Does Divorce Pain Ever Go Away?
Getting over a divorce is not easy. In fact, it may be the most challenging and frustrating experience you ever face in life. But the truth is, learning the lessons involved in getting over divorce can be the most powerful lessons you ever learn. Most women try to desperately deny the truth as long as they can. Though they know the reality of the situation in their head, they deny it in their actions by keeping ties to their ex in unhealthy ways. If you have children, managing relations with your ex will be a challenge for a while. But you do have to get him out of your life emotionally. Usually the less interaction the better. Do not be drawn into letting him take up valuable space and energy in your head and in your heart that you should be concentrating on yourself and your own new life. Accept divorce and its consequences. It takes different people different amounts of time to get over their divorce. You can’t get through or get over your divorce issues today. There are too many. Allowing yourself time to really grieve is necessary to move forward. You can take control by accepting that you must mourn this loss. The real step to divorce recovery is when you understand that the rest of your life is up to you, and you can get over your divorce. Your husband doesn’t control you now. He is not in charge of your happiness; you are. Whatever happens in the rest of your life is your choice. You have the choice to decide to spend your days being bitter and angry, or you can decide to find things to celebrate and be thankful for.
When you have been married for so many years, it usually takes us a while to accept the reality that our marriage is over. Most of us thought if we made it that long, we would be good to go for the rest of our lives. More and more often, that is not the case. After a long marriage, we know in our head that he is gone, but it takes our heart longer to catch up. It will eventually, but when you have committed time, energy, love and support to another person for that long, it’s hard to just turn that off. You will heal, but it usually takes more time than we want. Be patient with the process.
You Can Do It
So when you ask yourself, “How do I get over a divorce?” Remember that getting over divorce is completely up to you. It’s your future and you determine what it will be. And that’s a really good thing because you have the chance to make your life amazing and wonderful and every other glorious thing you can think of! When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to come up with the partner any more. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. But if a marriage is in shambles, then it’s better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. However, in as much as the pain is there, it’s good to mourn but this should not take forever, one should get to know the way out and know how to get out of it, then move on. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. Some responsibilities need both parental support, and if you have kids, then this is a reason to stop the hurts, take up the responsibilities and support your kids as much as possible to avoid them to hurt from your struggles. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. Good behavior towards your ex will help you overcome the heartbroken experience that you have had all along for a long time. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner.
Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. Remember that you can make it on your own, have a positive mindset and accept to move on. Give yourself time to heal and recover from the pains of being apart. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. Some people are never positive about their well-being. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurt. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit children’s homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. Do not drink alcohol to avoid grief; People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen.
Ways to Smooth the Divorce Process and Ease the Pain
Any divorce lawyer will tell you the best way to avoid divorce is to stay unmarried. But, marriage and family are a wonderful life experience that many people look forward to. Utah is a no-fault divorce state, meaning that in order to get a divorce, you only need to prove that the marriage relationship is not working and that you cannot reconcile. Only one party to the divorce needs to feel this way to obtain a divorce. Going through a divorce is never a joyful experience, but it does not have to be acrimonious. So, if it comes to the point that divorce is inevitable, here are a few things you can do to make the process as painless as possible.
Your Spouse Does Not Control You
One of the best things you can do is to remember that you are in control of your emotions. It only takes one to file. If your spouse wants to kick and scream, that does not mean you have to kick and scream. If your spouse says mean things that does not mean you have to say mean things. And, it also does not mean that you have to take offense at what they are saying. Refrain from having to have the last word or proving your spouse wrong. This is probably one of the most traumatic experiences you or your spouses have ever gone through. Do not let your spouse’s reaction to the divorce control you or control your emotions.
Maintain A Proper Perspective
Divorce involves change. The people we marry are not the same people we divorce. Your time together has made you into someone else. The same is true for your spouse. And entering into this phase of your relationship, a phase that neither of you may have ever experienced before continues to drive that change. Remembering the person you married as you move through the process can help keep perspective and reduce animosity. That perspective helps to compartmentalize the issues in your divorce so that the rest of your life can continue to function. This is a transitioning period in your life and also in the lives of your children. Understand that you and your children’s daily routines will have to adapt. And never forget, you can do hard things.
Emotional Closure Does Not Come When The Judge Signs The Divorce Decree
Do not expect to get emotional closure. At least, do not expect it anytime soon. The one person you trusted more than anyone else is no longer there for you. It hurts. And it will take much longer to overcome that pain than the divorce process will, or should, take. But remember, you control your emotions, and you can do hard things. As part of that, separate the business of divorce from the personal, emotional evolution you are beginning. Emotions are strong when it comes to family, and the process of divorce only amplifies those feelings. They will not go away easily.
Do Not Talk Badly About Your Spouse In Front Of The Kids
Resist the urge to speak ill of your ex in front of your children. In fact, never do it. Dad is always going to be Dad, and Mom is always going to be Mom not Dad’s ex-wife or Mom’s ex-husband. Respect your children’s relationship with their other parent and encourage it that is actually part of the public policy of Utah written right into the Utah Family Code. Your children will love you more for it. And, if you end up having to go to court, the judge or the jury will too, which works to your benefit.
Compartmentalize The Issues
Get the kid stuff settled, and then delve into the financial decisions. If you have children, prioritize your kids and securing their best interest first. Figure out what is best for them before money ever comes into play. In Utah, there will generally be four things you need to consider with the kids:
1. rights and duties of each parent;
2. possession of and access to the children;
3. child support; and
4. medical support. While everything is decided together, these are separate issues from the division of assets and liabilities. After your children are taken care of, all that is left to do is make business decisions. This will allow you to compartmentalize your case and keep emotions out of the business decisions.
Avoid Going To Court Unless It Is Necessary
Avoid unnecessary, adversarial court hearings. Keep an open dialogue and mind in terms of a settlement. Going to court is always an option and even necessary at certain points in certain cases. But always consider the cost: both financial and emotional. A court appearance may be absolutely necessary for matters of law but not emotion. Remember, your spouse’s actions do not control yours. You do not always have to have the last word. As you continue to keep that open mind and are willing to negotiate, court appearances are minimized, costs are down and emotions are easier to control.
Both you and your spouse want something. Sometimes, that may be the exact same thing. But, most of the time, there are at least some differences. Be creative in resolving the problem. Brainstorm. Think up different possession schedules or divisions of property. Talk with your attorney or the mediator about coming up with ideas to resolve these issues. Look at it from different angles. One thing you can do is to ask yourself why you want what you want and then understand why your spouse wants what he or she wants. If you are splitting an orange, maybe one person wants it for the zest from the peel, while the other person wants it to make orange juice. You can each accomplish your goals. You are the one making decisions about what happens. This is not your parents’ divorce. This is not your best friend’s divorce. They have their thoughts and opinions about what you should do, but you are in control. If you are happy with a settlement offer that comes to you, do not let someone talk you out of it. If you do, you should at least ask them to pay your attorney’s fees and court costs because that is where it will lead. Ultimately, divorce is an unhappy time. Even if you are getting out of a bad situation and there are better days ahead, it can be stressful, it can be scary and it can be hard. But you can do hard things. You can also do things to make this process go as smoothly as possible.
Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the prospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner’s stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no ‘cure’ for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience.
Life After Divorce
Adjusting to life after a divorce can take anywhere from a few weeks to many years. During that time, you may experience a range of emotions. You may also be more susceptible to certain conditions, including post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and various physical conditions. The depression that occurs due to traumatic life events such as divorce is different from clinical depression. It’s called adjustment disorder or situational depression. Both clinical depression and situational depression manifest in similar ways. In some people, depression following divorce can occur with other behaviors, such as:
• ignoring responsibilities
• avoiding family and friend
• performing poorly at work due to a lack of focus
Symptoms of depression
Most people associate sadness with depression. Sadness is only one of several symptoms of depression. Other symptoms that are common in both clinical and situational depression include:
• a loss of appetite
• a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies
• trouble sleeping or insomnia
• crying spells
• difficulty concentrating
• feelings of hopelessness and pessimism, as well as a lost sense of worthiness
• suicidal thoughts and even attempts
Utah Divorce Lawyer
When you need legal help from a Utah Divorce Attorney, please call Ascent Law LLC for your free consultation (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.
8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C
West Jordan, Utah
84088 United States
Telephone: (801) 676-5506